So, I was introduced to the idea of "dive bars" this past Saturday, With a bunch of girls and our new neighbor and a guy that Alex likes and Adam, Lindsey's roommate, at a dive bar out in the middle of nowhere. Total of 3 guys and about 10 girls there.
After 3 shots of whiskey and some beer, I had a heated conversation on politics with the girls who were camping outside of the bar, whom I had asked to bum a cigarette from. [yes the bar was literally in the middle of nowhere, on top of one of the hills outside Boulder] I gave my green wrist band to one of the girls who thanked me for the rest of the night.
The bar was kind of quiet and everybody was just talking and I was excited to play music from a jukebox for the first time in my life, $1 a song, but after messing and teasing the bartender he opened it up for free and we made the best playlist and I [again] got all the girls to dance, Persian style to Bon Jovi.
They had kept talking about the night the day after, when I ditched them and stayed home to work. They had talked about how different it was for them this time that I was around and how I made them bring their defenses down and enjoy it more. Adam had told Lindsey and Alex, who told me later, that what struck him the most about me was how shy I was! and he has invited himself over for a formal, dressed up tea party at my place because he was impressed with my collection of Persian tea, and I had missed that part when he was going through my tea cabinet because I was lying in the middle of the living room paying attention to the music.
The moral conclusion of the story is, I had loads of fun with a random group of people who will not be my close friends [except for Alex of course] Apparently I make these people who mean nothing to me feel easy and comfortable, but don't do it for people I actually care about, the feeling of responsibility, calculating the consequences [which I know is impossible to do!] kicks in and I become tough and critical. [yeah, if I don't tease you often, we're not really friends!]
But it might actually be a wise decision to do so, my kindness can overwhelm people, and being an ENTP and small attention span, they might depend on me and I might not be around all the time. The question is, do I want someone to do this to me? Hell No!
PS: I'm not bragging, these are just my observations on myself post-breakup, acting freely and with no considerations for another person's expectations of me, no feeling of guilt for being myself. It's liberating, and it attracts guys too, mostly the wrong type, but just observing the dynamics is interesting.
Just the other day at the DMV office, it was late and I lost my number and when the grumpy, exhausted officer asked me where I was, I loudly announced that I was in the bathroom, small bladder, sorry! I made them laugh, she moved me to the front of the row again, I made some more jokes and their faces opened up with big smiles and later while waiting for my picture to be taken, the good looking guy I was sitting next to gave me his number, Danny was his name and he was 22! I probably should quit wearing short jean overalls. As I was walking out, I thought of the people who would say "shame on you", and told myself "To hell with them, It didn't cost anyone anything did it?"
PPS: Hooman's note about me still rings in my ear, "passionate, trustworthy, but dangerous!"
Another comment that fucks with my head constantly is R's: "In less than 10 years, you will be old and alone and none of these people will be around you anymore!"
PPPS: I don't give up, I don't fucking give up! Nothing in this world in "too" hard!